Things have changed...

     I haven't written anything here since March, a lot has changed since March....maybe I should write something.
     I just re-read all of my posts from January - March of this year and realized in my absence of nearly 6 months, a lot has changed. I've changed. All things that I said I was working on all those months ago have paid off and I feel like I'm in a much better place right now.
    Are there still things that I need to keep working on? Sure. Do I still worry money and about where I am in my life right now compared to where I want to be? Yep, all the time. However, I've done a lot of work and I've changed things recently that have made a huge difference in terms of my happiness and satisfaction in general.
    I've rid myself of most, if not all, of the one-sided relationships in my life that I spent way too much time worrying about and that I put way too much effort into maintaining despite getting nothing in return. In place of these people are the friends who have always been a positive force in my life, that are always there when I need them, and that have in one way or another...made me a better person. I'm spending as much time as I can with these people, and I'm working on meeting more people like this. We all need people in our lives that make us a better version of ourselves and I feel like most of us don't take the time to recognize who these people are.
    I make sure to take time out of everyday just to relax - I've taken up yoga and it's done amazing things for my anxiety and stress. It's much easier for me to unwind now, and not spend every waking moment worrying about all the things that are out of my control. Whether it's because I'm taking this time out for myself now or not. I feel like I'm actually taking the time to enjoy things now. I spend a lot less time worrying about "what if this happens..." and just doing the things that I want to do and it's made the biggest difference. I'm so much more at ease with taking chances and just going for it.
     I've made huge progress in the whole I'm-going-to-just-keep-everything-to-myself-and-hope-people-can-sense-how-i'm-feeling-or-what-I-need thing. I'm a lot more up front with feelings, mind you, still pretty reserved in this department but probably 100x better than I've ever been with this. I'm also working on accepting that the nice things people say about me are true. I've never been one to handle compliments well, I'm still not, but I've definitely made progress in the whole doubting my own worth thing and that's huge for me.
     So basically, lots has changed since March. I'm in a better place, much happier, less brooding. That's probably why I haven't been writing as much. I'm enjoying things more, worrying less and thus have a lot less to talk about. I'll try and check in every once in awhile though, if for nothing else than to have these as something to look back on at the end of the year.

xx

Progress...

Promise me something, okay? Don't ever allow yourself to ignore how you feel about something...or someone because it may hurt. I can tell you now it hurts a whole fucking lot more to ignore it than it does to face it. No ones good with expressing their feelings because no one enjoys being vulnerable, that doesn't mean it isn't worth it.

I've made this mistake most of my life - I've missed out on a whole fucking lot because of it but recently I've been making progress. I can tell you that while it's stressful at first it feels so much better after it's out there  where someone else can share the burden. 

I'm changing a lot about my life right now, this is just first step and I'm excited. 

xx

"Some people bring out the worst in you, others bring out the best, and then there are those remarkably rare; addictive ones who just bring out the most. Of everything. They make you feel so alive that you'd follow them straight to hell, just to keep getting your fix."

- Karen Marie Moning, Shadowfever

Grateful.

          I've spent the last few days thinking about how lucky I am. Things haven't been particularly great for me lately and as you often do when you're feeling like everything is against you - you ignore all the things you have to be grateful for. Some people hate those moments when they realize they've been ignoring all they do have in place of focusing on everything they don't - I on the other hand love these moments. They're humbling, they're powerful and they make me that much more appreciative of the things I have.

          Do I feel lonely sometimes? Of course, but I'm not alone. I have some of the most amazing people in my life. People that have and still do impact my life immensely everyday. Do I feel like I'm not where I should be at this point in my life? Yes. All the time. However, things could be so much worse, I could have a lot less than I do now and I know that I will eventually be where I should be because I know that regardless of how slow I may be moving, I am moving forward and that's all that matters.

Remember that you'll never be too good or have enough of anything that you can afford to not be humble.

xx

P.S. Thank you to the small gesture from the wonderful person in my life that made me recognize that I wasn't appreciating what I have going for me. I hope that I can return the favour.

The Countryside.

     I spent most of my day driving aimlessly through the countryside listening to good music; stopping a few times to walk through trails in the woods. That sounds so poetic...but I digress. It was nice to clear my head, take some time to myself where I didn't have any unnecessary noise pollution coming at me and just enjoy where I was, in that moment.

     I'm type of person that worries a lot, usually about other people and it's hard to be like that. It means I'm stressed more often than not about things beyond my control and I can realize that's probably not the best way to live my life but I also can't stop myself from having that level of concern for other people. This paragraph probably seems really off topic but there's a point - I swear. 

     This is something I kept thinking about today while I was walking and I realized that even though I can't stop myself from being concerned, I can counteract that stress by taking time for myself...like I did today and barely ever have in the past.
     It's a little late for resolutions but I've set a new goal for myself. I want to make sure that at least once a week I take the time to drive off to the middle of nowhere, go on a hike, sit by the lake...just enjoy being alone, not having to think about everything else for a little while and just be content in where I am at that moment in time. 

     I always tell people to focus on the little things in their life that are positive and good. I'm realizing I should start taking my own advice every now and again. 

xx

Small Talk

        Now, I don't know if this is just me but has anyone else noticed how horrible people have gotten at small talk? I mean, I get it...not many people actually enjoy small talk so it's difficult to keep up but seriously, how do you not understand what acceptable small talk is?
       In the last few weeks I've encountered more than a handful of people either near my work, or on the bus, even a few people from my Facebook who have tried to start conversations with me. This is always nice...until the person seems to realize that the only small talk they can think of is "Hi how are you, how about that weather?" So in scrambling to come up with something else to keep the conversation going they blurt out any number of creeping/invasive/off-putting comments and/or questions.
       Most notably for me, and for a lot of people I've talked to about this are the pretty much immediate questions about your sex life. I'm sorry, but where did you learn that asking someone about their sex life when you've only been speaking for 5 minutes was acceptable? It's creepy. Unless I'm in a relationship with you, or thinking about being in a relationship with you...why would I even bother to respond to those questions. Surely, you have to realize that most people are going to be extremely freaked out if you ask them "how kinky are you?" when you just met on a bus, or if you pop up on Facebook and you haven't seen or spoken to each other since elementary school. I mean I'm a pretty open person, 9 times out of 10 if you ask me something I'm going to give you an honest answer but seriously there aren't many people out there that won't try and put as much distance as possible between you and them if you're following up "Nice to meet you" with "So...how's your sex life?"
       How difficult is it to ask someone about their taste in music, movies, TV shows, or books? Even asking about work or school? Why is it that for some reason we automatically want to know the most intimate and personal details of someones life? I'm kind of interested in whether this decline in small talk has anything to do with the fact that most of the topics we used to cover when first meeting someone can easily be discovered by looking at their social media profiles. Either way, I really think people need to reevaluate how they're coming across to another person when they first meet, it's not that hard to think about what you're saying before you say it.

xx

Comfortable Silence.

      Now, for the longest time I've been one of those people that absolutely hates the phone. In fact, if I could avoid it and make someone else make my calls for me...I did, and I could probably count on one hand the number of friends I've ever had a phone conversation with that lasted more than 2 minutes.
       However, I now have an office job, and answering the phone kind of comes with the territory and as much as I hate to say it, I'm warming up to it. I mean, as much as I don't want to admit it...texting is a huge hassle now, especially with touch-screen phones - I can't possibly be the only one who can't type on one of these things, I swear I spend more time editing my text messages than anything else. Sure, a quick text back and forth is still the preferred method of communication for little things, but I mainly talk to my closest friends and when you're writing out a whole paragraph or eight telling them how your day was - it's time consuming. I've been finding that I've been picking up the phone and calling my friends every night now instead of texting them because really...it saves us all a lot of time, and it's a lot more personal.
        One thing I've noticed now that I spend more time talking on the phone is that people really try their hardest to fill every minute with something...if there is even the inkling of a pause in conversation people have the tendency to want to fill it with whatever they can spew out fast enough. What's wrong with having a pause in conversation? Why is this something people are trying their hardest to avoid?
         I don't know if I'm alone here, but I've always been a fan of silences when you're speaking to or spending time with someone. Not because I don't want to hear what that person has to say, but because I feel like it shows you a lot about your relationship with that person. I personally believe that if you can't enjoy a comfortable silence with someone, then something in your relationship isn't working. Just sitting for a minute, not talking and just enjoying the company of whomever you're with is one of the best feelings. That level of comfort with someone is really intimate and lovely, and you're not going to find that with everyone you meet...it's special, savor it.
         If you're one of those people that tries to avoid silences in conversations, I challenge you to just let them happen. If you're someone who communicates strictly through text, then I challenge you to pick up the phone and call someone; It's a nice gesture and most people will appreciate the surprise now that it's no longer the dominant mode of communication. It's the little things people, they really do make the biggest difference.

xx

Positive Changes

I've attempted to maintain a blog for many years now – all have failed after several months. I think this is mainly because I focused more on censoring my posts for any possible audience that may stumble upon it, and that’s just not the kind of writer I am. I've decided one of my goals for this year is to maintain a blog...but for myself. I want a space to write, I want a space to rant, I just want need a space to put all the thoughts that often keep my mind racing every night.

While on the topic of goals, I have several this year. Not New Year’s resolutions by any stretch, but actual goals that I have set in order to see change in my life. Goals that I should have made a long time ago and that would have saved me a lot of time, energy, frustration...

This year I plan on, no, I am going to:

-          Rid my life of all the one-sided relationships that have accumulated because I am just too damn nice naive and just didn't have the guts to end, despite them being toxic. I don't have any energy left to put into fixing other people’s shit when they wouldn't give me the time of day. I'm no one’s therapist, life coach, or god knows what else. As much as I care about people, and as much as I love and want to help them, I just can’t. You can only deal with so many relationships in your life that give you nothing in return, and quite frankly I think I've had more than my fair share.

-          Fill my life with people that care about me, and that are positive forces in my life. I am lucky enough to have several amazing friends, all of which I've known for 10 or 20 years. These are the kinds of people that I need to remember to include in my life more. These are the people I need to remember to make an effort to spend time with. This year I'm going to spend all the time that I can with these people, meet those that I haven't yet met, and hopefully add even more people like this to my life.

-          Remember to tell the people that I care about...how much I care. This is a bit cliché, but I have a tendency to keep everything to myself. While those that have known me long enough know how I am and know how much I love them; I know how great hearing someone tell you how important you are to them can be, and sometimes people just need to hear it.

-          I’m going to start saying “yes” to things. I’ve missed out on a lot of things over the years because of my chronic illness and that needs to change. I can’t miss out on things anymore, I’m not enjoying my life like I should be because I’m constantly worried – I'm content with where I am, but I feel like I deserve more than that.
So to begin towards these goals...if you’re someone I care about, just know how much I appreciate having you in my life, what you do for me and  the patience you have to put up with me because I know I can be difficult sometimes. 

xx